The air unit is still rumbling. Phones still ringing at this hour. Nurses chatter. My mom talking out of her head a little. Worried about someone messing up the house. Or dogs running loose. She’s scared. Hospital’s are not that quiet at night. I’ve pulled myself together, somewhat. I almost came completely off the rails today. My specialty is second-guessing myself. I’m world-class. Always searching for the perfect answer. I’m scared.
Soul crushing decisions have to be made. I guess normal families discuss options and lean into each other – maybe even being at peace with a direction. That’s what I imagine happens. Maybe some families. Not this one. Just me. Maybe I’ll be able to laugh at my brother’s response someday. Maybe he’s really afraid, too. I hope that’s it. I’m waiting for the nurse to come in with a little morphine. Then I can quietly run home. For awhile.
The Reluctant Caregiver 